Previous - next
gradual approach by cold shiverings, the loss of all power, with a
species of fascination which riveted both the eye and the mind. In
fact, the more weak and wretched I felt, at night, the greater were
my efforts during the day to appear cheerful in conversing with my
companions, with the two boys at the palace, and with my jailers.
No one to hear my jokes, would have imagined it possible that I was
suffering under the disease I did. I thought to encourage myself by
this forced merriment, but the spectral visions which I laughed at
by day became fearful realities in the hours of darkness.
Had I dared, I should have petitioned the commission to change my
apartment, but the fear of ridicule, in case I should be asked my
reasons, restrained me. No reasonings, no studies, or pursuits, and
even no prayers, were longer of avail, and the idea of being wholly
abandoned by heaven, took possession of my mind.
All those wicked sophisms against a just Providence, which, while in
possession of reason, had appeared to me so vain and impious, now
recurred with redoubled power, in the form of irresistible
arguments. I struggled mightily against this last and greatest evil
I had yet borne, and in the lapse of a few days the temptation fled.
Still I refused to acknowledge the truth and beauty of religion; I
quoted the assertions of the most violent atheists, and those which
Julian had so recently dwelt upon: "Religion serves only to
enfeeble the mind," was one of these, and I actually presumed that
by renouncing my God I should acquire greater fortitude. Insane
idea! I denied God, yet knew not how to deny those invisible
malevolent beings, that appeared to encompass me, and feast upon my
sufferings.
What shall I call this martyrdom? is it enough to say that it was a
disease? or was it a divine chastisement for my pride, to teach me
that without a special illumination I might become as great an
unbeliever as Julian, and still more absurd. However this may be,
it pleased God to deliver me from such evil, when I least expected
it. One morning, after taking my coffee, I was seized with violent
sickness, attended with colic. I imagined that I had been poisoned.
After excessive vomiting, I burst into a strong perspiration and
retired to bed. About mid-day I fell asleep, and continued in a
quiet slumber till evening. I awoke in great surprise at this
unexpected repose, and, thinking I should not sleep again, I got up.
On rising I said, "I shall now have more fortitude to resist my
accustomed terrors." But they returned no more. I was in
ecstasies; I threw myself upon my knees in the fulness of my heart,
and again prayed to my God in spirit and in truth, beseeching pardon
for having denied, during many days, His holy name. It was almost
too much for my newly reviving strength, and while even yet upon my
knees, supporting my head against a chair, I fell into a profound
Previous - next
