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at last fairly compelled to give up by sitting down contented to let
her have her way, smiling, sympathising with, and thanking her for
the sweet patience with which she had so long borne with me.
I no longer indulged the ungracious idea of spiting her against me,
and, by degrees, all my other fears were allayed. Assuredly I had
not been smitten; I long examined into the nature of my scruples,
wrote down my reflections upon the subject, and derived no little
advantage from the process.
Man often terrifies himself with mere bugbears of the mind. If we
would learn not to fear them, we have only to examine them a little
more nearly and attentively. What harm, then, if I looked forward
to her visits to me with a tender anxiety, if I appreciated their
sweetness, if it did me good to be compassioned by her, and to
interchange all our thoughts and feelings, unsullied, I will say, as
those of childhood. Even her most affectionate looks, and smiles,
and pressures of the hand, while they agitated me, produced a
feeling of salutary respect mingled with compassion. One evening, I
remember, when suffering under a sad misfortune, the poor girl threw
her arms round my neck, and wept as if her heart would break. She
had not the least idea of impropriety; no daughter could embrace a
father with more perfect innocence and unsuspecting affection. I
could not, however, reflect upon that embrace without feeling
somewhat agitated. It often recurred to my imagination, and I could
then think of no other subject. On another occasion, when she thus
threw herself upon my confidence, I was really obliged to
disentangle myself from her dear arms, ere I once pressed her to my
bosom, or gave her a single kiss, while I stammered out, "I pray
you, now, sweet Angiola, do not embrace me ever again; it is not
quite proper." She fixed her eyes upon me for a moment, then cast
them down, while a blush suffused her ingenuous countenance; and I
am sure it was the first time that she read in my mind even the
possibility of any weakness of mine in reference to her. Still she
did not cease to continue her visits upon the same friendly footing,
with a little mere reserve and respect, such as I wished it to be;
and I was grateful to her for it.
CHAPTER XXXI.
I am unable to form an estimate of the evils which afflict others;
but, as respects myself, I am bound to confess that, after close
examination, I found that no sufferings had been appointed me,
except to some wise end, and for my own advantage. It was thus even
with the excessive heat which oppressed, and the gnats which
tormented me. Often have I reflected that but for this continual
suffering I might not have successfully resisted the temptation of
falling in love, situated as I was, and with one whose extremely
affectionate and ardent feelings would have made it difficult always
to preserve it within respectful limits.
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