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Strange, that though I had just reconciled myself to the idea in my
own case, a sort of phrensy seized my mind when I depicted the
scene; and it continued so long that I began to despair of mastering
it.
Dreadful as this was, it was still but an illusion. Ye afflicted
ones, who believe yourselves victims of some irresistible, heart-
rending, and increasing grief, suffer a little while with patience,
and you will be undeceived. Neither perfect peace, nor utter
wretchedness can be of long continuance here below. Recollect this
truth, that you may not become unduly elevated in prosperity, and
despicable under the trials which assuredly await you. A sense of
weariness and apathy succeeded the terrible excitement I had
undergone. But indifference itself is transitory, and I had some
fear lest I should continue to suffer without relief under these
wretched extremes of feeling. Terrified at the prospect of such a
future, I had recourse once more to the only Being from whom I could
hope to receive strength to bear it, and devoutly bent down in
prayer. I beseeched the Father of mercies to befriend my poor
deserted Piero, even as myself, and to support his family no less
than my own. By constant repetition of prayers like these, I became
perfectly calm and resigned.
CHAPTER XVII.
It was then I reflected upon my previous violence; I was angry at my
own weakness and folly, and sought means of remedying them. I had
recourse to the following expedient. Every morning, after I had
finished my devotions, I set myself diligently to work to recall to
mind every possible occurrence of a trying and painful kind, such as
a final parting from my dearest friends and the approach of the
executioner. I did this not only in order to inure my nerves to
bear sudden or dreadful incidents, too surely my future portion, but
that I might not again be taken unawares. At first this melancholy
task was insupportable, but I persevered; and in a short time became
reconciled to it.
In the spring of 1821 Count Luigi Porro {5} obtained permission to
see me. Our warm friendship, the eagerness to communicate our
mutual feelings, and the restraint imposed by the presence of an
imperial secretary, with the brief time allowed us, the
presentiments I indulged, and our efforts to appear calm, all led me
to expect that I should be thrown into a state of fearful
excitement, worse than I had yet suffered. It was not so; after
taking his leave I remained calm; such to me proved the signal
efficacy of guarding against the assault of sudden and violent
emotions. The task I set myself to acquire, constant calmness of
mind, arose less from a desire to relieve my unhappiness than from a
persuasion how undignified, unworthy, and injurious, was a temper
opposite to this, I mean a continued state of excitement and
anxiety. An excited mind ceases to reason; carried away by a
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