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starvation? For my part, hunger would be sure to drive me to
some fatal end. Heaving some day a sigh for love, I should find
it was my last. I adore you, rely upon that; but leave to me,
for a short while, the management of our fortunes. God help the
man who falls into my hands. My only wish is to render my
chevalier rich and happy. My brother will tell you about me; he
can vouch for my grief in yielding to the necessity of parting
from you.
"I remained, after reading this, in a state which it would be
difficult to describe; for even now I know not the nature of the
feelings which then agitated me. It was one of those unique
situations of which others can never have experienced anything
even approaching to similarity. It is impossible to explain it,
because other persons can have no idea of its nature; and one can
hardly even analyse it to oneself. Memory furnishes nothing that
will connect it with the past, and therefore ordinary language is
inadequate to describe it. Whatever was its nature, however, it
is certain that grief, hate, jealousy, and shame entered into its
composition. Fortunate would it have proved for me if love also
had not been a component part!
"`That she loves me,' I exclaimed, `I can believe; but could
she, without being a monster, hate me? What right can man ever
have to woman's affections which I had not to Manon's? What is
left to me, after all the sacrifices I have made for her sake?
Yet she abandons me, and the ungrateful creature thinks to screen
herself from my reproaches by professions of love! She pretends
to dread starvation! God of love, what grossness of sentiment!
What an answer to the refinement of my adoration! I had no dread
of that kind; I, who have almost sought starvation for her sake,
by renouncing fortune and the comforts of my father's house! I,
who denied myself actual necessaries, in order to gratify her
little whims and caprices! She adores me, she says. If you
adored me, ungrateful creature, I well know what course you would
have taken; you would never have quitted me, at least without
saying adieu. It is only I who can tell the pangs and torments,
of being separated from all one loves. I must have taken leave
of my senses, to have voluntarily brought all this misery upon
myself.'
"My lamentations were interrupted by a visit I little expected;
it was from Lescaut. `Assassin!' cried I, putting my hand upon
my sword, `where is Manon? what have you done with her?' My
agitation startled him. He replied, that if this was the
reception he was to meet, when he came to offer me the most
essential service it was in his power to render me, he should
take his leave, and never again cross my threshold. I ran to the
door of the apartment, which I shut. `Do not imagine,' I said,
turning towards him, `that you can once more make a dupe of me
with your lies and inventions. Either defend your life, or tell
me where I can find Manon.' `How impatient you are!' replied he;
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