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"I felt the full force of his generosity, even to such a degree
as almost to deplore the fatal passion which thus led me to break
through all the restraints of duty. Virtue had for a moment the
ascendancy in my heart, and made me sensible of my shame and
degradation. But this was soon over. For Manon I could have
given up my hopes of heaven, and when I again found myself at her
side, I wondered how I could for an instant have considered
myself degraded by my passion for this enchanting girl.
"Manon was a creature of most extraordinary disposition. Never
had mortal a greater contempt for money, and yet she was haunted
by perpetual dread of wanting it. Her only desire was for
pleasure and amusement. She would never have wished to possess a
sou, if pleasure could be procured without money. She never even
cared what our purse contained, provided she could pass the day
agreeably; so that, being neither fond of play nor at all dazzled
by the desire of great wealth, nothing was more easy than to
satisfy her, by daily finding out amusements suited to her
moderate wishes. But it became by habit a thing so absolutely
necessary for her to have her mind thus occupied, that, without
it, it was impossible to exercise the smallest influence over her
temper or inclinations. Although she loved me tenderly, and I
was the only person, as she often declared, in whose society she
could ever find the pure enjoyments of love, yet I felt
thoroughly convinced that her attachment could not withstand
certain apprehensions. She would have preferred me, even with a
moderate fortune, to the whole world; but I had no kind of doubt
that she would, on the other hand, abandon me for some new M. de
B----, when I had nothing more to offer her than fidelity and
love.
"I resolved therefore so to curtail my own individual expenses,
as to be able always to meet hers, and rather to deprive myself
of a thousand necessaries than even to limit her extravagance.
The carriage made me more uneasy than anything else, for I saw no
chance of being able to maintain either coachman or horses.
"I told M. Lescaut of my difficulties, and did not conceal from
him that I had received a thousand francs from a friend. He
repeated, that if I wished to try the chances of the
gaming-table, he was not without hopes that, by spending a few
crowns in entertaining his associates, I might be, on his
recommendation, admitted into the association. With all my
repugnance to cheating, I yielded to dire necessity.
"Lescaut presented me that night as a relation of his own. He
added, that I was the more likely to succeed in my new
profession, from wanting the favours of fortune. However, to
show them that I was not quite reduced to the lowest ebb, he said
it was my intention to treat them with a supper. The offer was
accepted, and I entertained them en prince. They talked a good
deal about my fashionable appearance and the apparent amiability
of my disposition; they said that the best hopes might be
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